“The Easily-Lost Art of Listening Well”

Wednesday, March 05, 2025

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak…” (James 1:19)

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Allow me to state something obvious: Some people are good at listening, and others just aren’t. That’s not to say that it’s an unchangeable destiny for either; it’s a skill that can be acquired. But I think we all recognize the varied skill levels when we encounter them.

Some people have a seemingly innate ability to stay engaged when someone is talking to them, to ignore potential distractions, and to truly focus on another person as they speak. They ask questions to show they’re thoughtfully connected. They care sincerely about the other person’s interests (cf. Phil. 2:4). They are slow to bring up their own opinions and interests. And they take the time to listen longer because they want to learn the person, not just to gather information. As a result, they tend to be a hub of deep conversations and close relationships. They possess an aura where powerful, personal, transformative conversations are had.

But for many, that’s just not our natural way. We quick-filter what we think is the relevant highlight of a conversation and then mentally rush ahead. We give follow-up statements rather than asking follow-up questions. We think about what we’ll say next instead of what the person has just said to us. We are quick to criticize or disagree, even before we’ve heard the fullness of the other person’s perspective. And we often miss out on appreciating who the other person is because we don’t really hear them. As a result, our relationships can remain at surface-level. People keep us at arm’s length because they feel that, rather than pulling them close to us by listening well, we have kept them at arm’s length.

Obviously, one of those behavior sets is much more like Jesus’. He always put more stock in individuals than in crowds, and he frequently took time to pause everything else and give his full attention to one person. Think about the afternoon that he spent with Zacchaeus (Lk. 19:10). What was it that made Zacchaeus receive the Lord joyfully (v. 6) and ultimately repent of his sins and turn to a life of generosity (v. 8)? In that story, Jesus paid attention to him. How does one person pay attention to another in that sort of life-changing way? By being “quick to hear” and “slow to speak.”

So here’s some practical advice for all of us to grow in this skill: When someone talks to you, ignore distractions and focus on them and what they’re saying. Ask questions about what they think, what motivates them, and what’s important to them. Listen to their answers when you ask questions—to the information, the tone, and the approach they take. Listen to ideas and beliefs that are different than your own, and don’t always feel the need to correct them right away—often, it can wait. Listen to the person’s heart behind what they say, and learn to see both their good and their flaws with wisdom.

Being heard is often much more important to a relationship than being taught, advised, or even encouraged. Often, the most compassionate and authentic thing we can do is listen skillfully. People who are “quick to hear, slow to speak” are living out the wisdom of God in their relationships, and that sort of behavior always leads us into his good blessings.

- Dan Lankford, minister

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